FORT BENNING, Ga.—Researchers studying the superhuman physical stamina and questionable dental health of a group of 100 sergeants major has concluded that their success can be attributed, in part, to religious use of preworkout supplements.

“Stores like GNC have been selling preworkout boosters as pills and powders for years, “ said Col. Ryan Madison, the project’s spokesmen. “Turns out that senior NCOs have been achieving the same effect with Copenhagen, Folgers, and hate.”

A followup study concluded that if the tobacco and coffee were reduced or taken away, it resulted in decreased athletic performance, missed alimony payments, and endless bouts of weapons maintenance inserted into the training schedule at random intervals.