Sergeant Major Goes On Rampage After Office Equipment Refuses To Obey
BATTALION HQ — The Battalion Sergeant Major completely lost it on a number of inanimate objects this morning, in a rampage stemming from problems that began with his desktop computer, sources confirmed.
Marines were seen fleeing the command deck as the sergeant major took a fire axe to every electronic device in the office.
Witnesses reported hearing him scream expletives about belligerent printers and an inability to log on to any web site related to the Marine Corps.
"Sonofabitch, I said print," screamed Sgt. Maj. William Baker. "When I hit 'print' that means you fucking print shit I wanted printed!" Sheets of paper and keyboard keys filled the air as the sergeant major's onslaught intensified.
"No, I don't want to 'save' shit. I want to 'print' shit. That's why I hit fucking 'print!' Damned useless, communist, hippie technology! It's a conspiracy! This shit must have been invented by a Democrat. No wonder we're losing the fucking war!"
Soon after, the crazed man's monitor was thrown thr…
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Duffel Blog to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.