MESA, Az.— In what can only be described as a disgraceful slap in the face to one of our nation’s military heroes, a homeowner association (HOA) in the Mesa neighborhood of Oak Park has ordered Army combat veteran Marcus Wintruff to remove the flag that he proudly flies in front of his family home each morning.
“I felt like I got teabagged by a zillion manicured nutsacks when I read that letter the HOA sent us,” said Wintruff, a rural Missouri native who relocated to Arizona for work with his father-in-law’s pool supply company after being honorably discharged from the Army in 2006.
“And I say ‘manicured’ because that’s the fancy pants word what the HOA used when they would tell us to keep our grass cut ... I even had to look it up.”
“Joke’s on them, though,” he added. “I just tore out all the grass and laid down a whole mess of rocks from the Home Depot.”
The flag in question, a large sheet of blue fabric that proudly reads “I (heart) Titties,” has apparently proven too subversive for the politically correct Oak Park HOA that Wintruff and his family of four are compelled to be members of at a quarterly cost of $300.
"It's like we're paying the HOA on the regular, but we’re not really free to express ourselves,” said Wintruff. “You know, like indented servitude, or some shit.”
Wintruff, 35, was serving as a supply specialist at Iraq’s harrowing Balad Air Base back in 2004, when he earned the elite and prestigious Combat Action Ribbon after an enemy mortar detonated within 100 meters of his location. Fortunately, Wintruff and everybody else in the area escaped the violent episode unharmed.
“It wasn’t really no big thing, to be honest,” Wintruff said of the attack. “But I still think that whole time I spent wearing the cloth of my country overseas at ‘Bombaconda’ earned me the right to fly my own cloth right here in America.”
“I mean, that flag represents everything I love, man!”
“I’ll tell you what my husband loves,” said Wintruff’s wife of 12 years, Katie, while being questioned by members of the media. “Marcus loves God, he loves me and the kids and America, and he loves these sweet-ass, D-cup milk makers right here!” Katie exclaimed, as she lifted her tank top and proceeded to jiggle her exposed breasts while shouting “U-S-A!... U-S-A!” to a pool of seemingly shocked reporters.
Since being contacted, The Oak Park Homeowner Association has issued a press release claiming to have reached a compromise with Marcus and his family.
According to statement, the Wintruffs have agreed to start flying the traditional U.S. flag from their rock lawn each morning in exchange for their HOA’s concession that the Wintruffs be allowed to “own not more than two, properly-caged boa constrictors and/or ferrets within the Wintruff domicile,” and that Marcus still be allowed to raise his disputed 'titties' flag once a year, on the anniversary of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death.