Shock Report: Returning Soldier Has No Issues, PTSD

SEATTLE, Wash. - Lawmakers and liberal groups alike were outraged yesterday when sources identified Staff Sergeant Bryan Miles, a veteran infantryman in the US Army returning from his fourth combat tour, as having no traumatic issues, adjustment difficulties, or domestic problems that would prevent him from rejoining society after his latest deployment to Afghanistan.

Witnesses claim that when the 36 year-old SNCO was drinking milk at a local bar, and several visibly intoxicated privates began to sing war songs while crying about the friend they knew who died on deployment, the Staff Sergeant smiled and refused to participate in the loud story-telling that followed. Even after the locals at the bar began purchasing drinks for the group of young soldiers back from their first and only deployment, Miles remained quiet.

Many present were not even aware that the tall, well-groomed man at the end of the bar was in the military, possessing no tattoos, a medium length haircut, and conservative yet stylish clothes that drew the eye of several local women without once revealing his veteran status.

Further investigation also found that Miles visited a local Applebees restaurant on Veteran’s Day for “a bite to eat” with his wife and baby girl, both untouched by drunken outbursts of violence or drug induced neglect. When the waitress asked Miles what he’d like to eat, the man was heard ordering without even mentioning the fact that he was in the military, despite the fact that it would have earned him a free meal.

The only change to his demeanor during the entire meal was when he had to raise his voice to be heard by his wife over the shouted demands of three soldiers in the next booth who were demanding that “heroes drink for free.”

In fact, when Miles returned home after a 12 month combat deployment, in which he personally suffered 2 IED blasts, as well as a gunshot to the left thigh, received in a firefight that claimed the lives of two fellow soldiers, he spent his first few hours having a quiet meal with his family, then had two small glasses of juice before falling asleep around 10pm.

Veterans Affairs personnel first became unsure of the soldier after a counselor visited his unit upon redeployment. Miles calmly listed out his injuries, violent and traumatic experiences, and claimed that he was perfectly fine, though he sometimes had trouble sleeping.

Officers in his unit grew suspicious as well when the entire platoon decided to get “death before dishonor” tattoos to commemorate their experiences and Miles declined.

Officials are now investigating reports that not only has Miles never beat his wife, he has also remained faithful to her during over 12 years of marriage, and looks forward to seeing her every day after work. "The fact that he actually loves his wife and hasn't beaten her like the rest of soldiers coming back from combat is mind blowing," said Keith Olbermann, in a tweet after the story broke.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki said that he would work hard to help the soldier through his readjustment in a prepared statement:

“Clearly this young man has serious issues, and we’re going to get to the bottom of this. A returning veteran like this is clearly so delusional that he needs serious medical attention. I look forward to getting him into our system as quickly as possible, and we will be making an exception for this particular soldier and getting him immediate processing by the VA, rather than waiting the standard 8-10 months for the normal cases of suicidal behavior, PTSD, and wound trauma. We’re all about helping people in need."