FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After an unexpected spike in the price of ibuprofen brand Motrin, Surgeon General Nadja West has announced that the Army is unable to provide the drug for ailing soldiers until further notice.

“We prescribe and deliver close to one billion milligrams of Motrin a day,” West said. “In addition to our cost limitations, medics are now stockpiling and stealing what’s left, and most soldiers can’t afford to buy miracle drugs like Motrin on the private market.”

Craig Mason, a physician assistant at Womack Army Medical Center, has already witnessed hundreds of helpless casualties.