Sick call in crisis after 800% increase in price of Motrin
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After an unexpected spike in the price of ibuprofen brand Motrin, Surgeon General Nadja West has announced that the Army is unable to provide the drug for ailing soldiers until further notice.
“We prescribe and deliver close to one billion milligrams of Motrin a day,” West said. “In addition to our cost limitations, medics are now stockpiling and stealing what’s left, and most soldiers can’t afford to buy miracle drugs like Motrin on the private market.”
Craig Mason, a physician assistant at Womack Army Medical Center, has already witnessed hundreds of helpless casualties.
“Among other things, soldiers use Motrin to treat their headaches, joint pain, allergies, syphilis, cataracts, diabetes, and vertigo,” he said while consoling a soldier suffering from terminal ergophobia. “All I can do now is offer hospice care and dead-man profiles to preserve some of their dignity.”
Alex Gorsky, CEO of Johnson & Johnson, said that the price change is justified.
“I’m running a busines…
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