The Military Needs To Take Sexual Harassment Seriously, Except In My Case

The following is an opinion editorial article written by Brig. Gen. Jeffery Sinclair.

Guess who’s back? Back again. Jeffy’s back. Tell a friend. That’s right, mother fuckers! Brigadier Fuckin’ General Jeffrey Fuckin’ Sinclair up in the muh-fuckin’ hay-ouse!

You may have noticed, I’m pretty fuckin’ jazzed. Perhaps you’ve heard that the judge in my court martial has ruled there’s been just a bit of undue command influence in the prosecution’s decision to deny my plea bargain. Can I get a what, what?

Fuck. Yeah.

Here’s what that means to Uncle Jeffy: I ain’t out of the woods just yet, but I ain’t getting hung out to dry just yet either. I certainly won’t be allowed a real job anytime soon. But now that the trial is delayed indefinitely, I ain’t losing any rank in the meantime, either. Can I handle checking out basketballs at Towle Fitness Center on O-7 pay? It’s worth a shot.

It’s been cray since I talked to you cats last. The world of military sexual assault is getting more than a little bit of light shone on it.

We had Sgt. 1st Class Gregory McQueen allegedly running a prostitution ring out at Fort Hood. Listen, I’ve been to Fort Hood. That place is a dump. Everybody could use some trim, know what I’m saying? Especially those mopes at Hood. The icing on this particular case is that McQueen is a sexual assault prevention NCO for his battalion. Cannot make this shit up. Look at that guy then look at me. I’m a fuckin’ prince in comparison to that guy.

And my dick’s bigger.

Our friends in blue got blue balls, too. Air Force Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski (another Jeff, coincidence?) got in hot water when he allegedly groped a woman’s butt cheeks and breasticles in a Crystal City, Va. parking lot. Did I mention the woman in question may have been a man, man! Give you two guesses what this guy’s job was. Yup. Sexual assault prevention chief for THE ENTIRE FUCKING AIR FORCE!

At the very least you have to admit that preventing sexual assault wasn’t my job. I got time for one more.

Let’s talk about Lt. Col. Joseph “Jay” Morse. This guy is a real piece of work. Seriously, I’m taking fucking notes off this cat. He’s a Judge Advocate attorney, or as I like to call them, Jag Off. Again, we have an O-5 groping on some fine piece of tail. By now, you can probably guess that he was involved in sexual assault prevention. Well, it gets better. He was the Army’s chief prosecutor for sexual crimes. He supervised more than 20 other Jag Offs who focused on sex crimes in the Army. The alleged victim is a sexual assault prosecutor herself. The event took place at a sexual assault prevention conference.

We’re through the looking glass on this one. It’s like we took the blue pill and followed the rabbit down the sexual assault hole. And by blue pill I don’t mean Viagra. I don’t need that shit. My dick is engorged at all times. When I see a pretty chick, it doesn’t get harder, it sweats.

Before I go, I need to remind all the grooming Nazis out there griping about my haircut, or lack thereof, that mothafuckin' generals set their own mothfuckin' uniform regs, Jack. Check out these sweet sideburns. Hey, Chandler, eat a dick. Preferably mine. No homo.

Anyway, my hair is long for a reason. How else could I run my fingers through these luscious locks as I give scores of grade-A fillies a one-way ticket to pound town? How else is my hair going to flutter in the breeze as I slap some very willing (as per my lawyers) subordinate on the ass as she hands me a stack of papers? I'm willing to bet that you all never even considered that.

But back to my main point as I close. Seriously, the military needs to do a better job taking care of this sexual assault business. My case is small potatoes. These guys are fucking villains.

Alright, Uncle Jeffy is fuckin' out!