SOUTH KOREA — Just seconds after bellowing "I need a body here," Army 1st Sgt. Donald Goodson decided that 17-year-old Pvt. Jarvis Lewis was the perfect choice to escort a soldier with mental health struggles back to the United States.
"Make sure he doesn't, y'know, fucking off himself or whatever," Goodson told Lewis. "You understand me, son?"
Lewis tried to respond but accidentally blew a snot bubble out of his nostril and spooked himself, sources said.
"For the love of God, just get into international air space before it happens," Goodson reportedly muttered, before stalking off.
Best known for holding the Army record for negligent discharges and for once calling Goodson "mommy" while out in the field, Lewis failed his first three Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery tests with a cumulative score of 10.
Sources say that he smuggled his 4-year-old brother in to cheat for him on the fourth try, where he later emerged with a score of 33, which rates as "good enough for Korea," Army recruiters say.
After packing his bag with Gummi Bears and other "num-nums for the road," Lewis met his new charge, Staff Sgt. Jason Willis. Willis deployed 17 times to Iraq and Afghanistan and suffers from clinical depression/.
"Hi buddy," Lewis said upon meeting Willis. "Hey, you don't have shoelaces! Here, borrow mine. Top labeled them leftsies and rightsies for me."
Lewis handed his laces to a confused Willis, who declined and told him he'd rather just sleep until he got home.
"Oh. Okay. So whats wrong? Top says you're sad?" Lewis asked.
Willis sighed, responding: "I have depression. There's a chemical imbalance in my body and I probably need drugs to help fix it."
"Drugs? Here, I have sleeping pills," Lewis said, though Willis once again declined.
"Excuse me staff sergeant, I gotta go poo. Will you watch my rifle for me?"