SWAINSBORO, GA - Friends and relatives praised PFC Brian Malloy today for his commitment to fight for America's freedoms, apparently unaware that he himself has given up those same freedoms, report sources from a recent family barbecue.
Malloy, a 19-year-old paratrooper assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg, drove to his hometown last weekend. The occasion marked the first time Malloy had seen most of his family since enlisting, and he was greeted with enthusiasm and well-wishes.
"Thank you for your service," maternal uncle and tire salesman Mike Riggins said while vigorously shaking Malloy's hand.
"You make me so proud there are still good Americans out there, but you wouldn't know it if you looked at that asshole Obama," Riggins added, communicating an opinion about the Commander in Chief that Malloy was expressly forbidden from agreeing with in any way.
Since enlisting, Malloy has lost six of the ten inalienable freedoms listed in the Bill of Rights, according to a report from Brown University historian and Constitutional scholar Todd Zeitbart.
"The Founding Fathers decided that the Bill of Rights constituted the absolute minimum amount of liberty a citizen could expect his government to afford him," Zeitbart said. "You know, unless you're in the military."
Last June, Malloy was punished under Article 15 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice for calling his First Sergeant an "asshole," unaware of the First Sergeant's presence behind him.
That was a violation of Malloy's First Amendment rights, Zeitbart said.
"There are limitations to free speech," Zeitbart explained, "but I met Malloy's First Sergeant, and the guy is a grade-A asshole. I can say that. I'm not in the military."
Since he has joined the army, Malloy has been:
Prevented from carrying or transporting his legally owned handgun on base
Stopped by MPs for going one mile over the speed limit and administered a sobriety test
Forced to crawl on his hands and knees and blow dust bunnies out of the corners because he failed to make his rack correctly in Basic Training
Denied travel pay he was entitled to due to a clerical error, and subsequently denied a chance to challenge the administrative office's ruling through legal channels
By Zeitbart's estimate, those and other incidents have been violations of Malloy's First, Second, Fourth, Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth Amendment rights.
Not everyone agrees with Zeitbart's interpretation of the Constitution.
"It's the military, not a country club," said Air Force SrA Clifford Gainesville upon hearing of Malloy's story. "Oh boo hoo, you can't go around doing shit you like. Stop being a whiny bitch and be a man."
Gainesville then asked the maid in his hotel room to use hypoallergenic pillow cases when making the bed.
For his part, Malloy doesn't seemed fazed by his lack of basic liberties.
"I kind of knew it would be tough in the Army so I guess it don't bother me none," Malloy said. "I just wish they'd switch up that part in the Constitution about sodomy and adultery."
"Some guy in the barracks told me that BJs are considered sodomy," Malloy added, "so now every time I'm with [sometime girlfriend and another man's wife] Kendra, I keep thinking MPs are gonna bust in and take me to jail."
After the barbecue, Malloy is scheduled to pick up trash on base, punishment for having posted a Ron Paul bumper sticker on the wall locker in his barracks room.
Editor's Note: This story originally indicated that PFC Malloy was assigned to the 101st Air Assault Division, rather than the 82nd Airborne. We regret the implication that the soldier in question was not a member of a unit with leadership currently under indictment for sexual misconduct that would make the Marquis de Sade blush, not to mention a brigade-wide gay porn ring uncovered in the last ten years. We apologize to PFC Malloy, as well as the 101st for associating them with Ft. Bragg.
We would further like to congratulate the 82nd for the 70th Anniversary of its last jump into a contested Drop Zone, which they will celebrate next year, and strongly reject the move by some commenters to mock the 82nd with the fake motto “Death From a Bus.” Such childish taunts have no place on the pages of Duffel Blog.