Soldier forced to write ‘I will not accuse anyone of sedition until I can properly define it’ on whiteboard 14,000 times

“Anybody who disagreed with him about vehicle maintenance procedures was either ‘treasonous,’ or ‘Karen.'"

By Bull Winkle

FORT CARSON, Colo. — First Sgt. Juan Ramarod is taking an old school approach to E-4 conspiracy theorists: He’s taking soldiers to the whiteboard, according to sources.

Soldiers in B Company of the 53rd Engineer Brigade confirm that Spc. Stanley Büttmnchin, a frequent watcher of both One America News (OAN) and MSNBC, has angered nearly every member of the company by indiscriminately and annoyingly using conspiracy terms for every situation.

“Büttmnchin complained that orders to wear a mask were ‘government tyranny!’” said fellow combat engineer, Pfc. Dwight Jackson. He has accused the unit security manager of being part of the “deep state.” 

“Anybody who disagreed with him about vehicle maintenance procedures was either ‘treasonous,’ or ‘Karen,” Jackson said. “People got pissed, not to mention really confused as shit.”


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Tempers flared after Büttmnchin accused Ramarod, company executive officer Adam Parrish, and platoon sergeants of “sedition” for supporting the incoming company commander after a legal change of command.

At that point, Ramarod had enough.

“In grade school, writing stuff on the board thousands of times always took the steam out of some damn miscreant who didn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” Ramarod said. “And that’s what I’ve got with this little shit constitutional scholar.”

“They’re all totally seditious,” Büttmnchin says. “The first sergeant, XO, and platoon sergeants all want to maintain their power base with this new commander, but we didn’t even get a vote. I was just fucking told to stand on the parade ground six feet from everybody else and then it’s just like ‘Hail, Caesar!’

“And they want to hold us to ‘readiness” and ‘lethality.’ What does that even mean? This is an assault on the company electoral process.”

Informed of the comments, Ramarod shook his head.

“My mother was an English teacher,” he said, rubbing his temples. “It’s not that he can’t say the terms, but he has to use them correctly. Actually, I’d take half correctly, a little bit, even.”

Soldiers report that Büttmnchin calls the first sergeant’s extra training a “witch hunt” and is investigating the legality of impeachment against any leader, anywhere.

“The tree of patriotism must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of libertines and tyrants,” Büttmnchin muttered while massaging a wrist cramp and asking passersby for the phone number of the IG’s office.

Ramarod sighed, dropped a hardcopy Webster’s Dictionary on his desk, and looked at Büttmnchin’s progress on the whiteboard. 

“I need to order some more markers,” he said.


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