Soldier Home from Afghanistan Face Down in Ultimate Nachos, Wife

FORT BRAGG, NC — During a year-long tour in Afghanistan as a member of the 82nd Airborne Division, Specialist Frank Alvarado longed for the creature comforts of home.

He wished he could go to his favorite restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings, and eat his favorite food — Ultimate Nachos.

But most of all, he wished he could spend time with his wife, Maria, to whom he has been married for five years.

Now that Alvarado has returned home, both his wishes have come true.

Alvarado’s unit flew into Ft. Bragg's Pope Field on Wednesday, where Alvarado was greeted by Maria. From the airport, the couple left and stopped at Buffalo Wild Wings on Skibo Road and ordered 7 platters of Ultimate Nachos to-go.

They then retreated to their Fayetteville home where, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, SPC Alvarado “dove in right away” and has since then, been alternately face down in Ultimate Nachos or his wife.

The source reports that Alvarado has remained face down in nachos or his wife for the last week, washing away a long deployment filled with loneliness, anxieties about infidelity, and non-stop cravings for crisp tortilla chips covered in chili, lettuce, cheese, jalapeno slices, and pico de gallo.

Judging from noises coming from the bedroom, the source speculates that SPC Alvarado stays face down in the nachos or Maria for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. During a particularly long stretch, he “seems like he doesn’t even come up for air.”

In the last week, Mr. and Mrs. Alvarado have left the bedroom only a few times, usually to grab another platter of nachos from the refrigerator and return to the bedroom. The source says that one time they sat in the living room together for an hour and a half to watch a DVD of Puss in Boots.

The couple does not have any children but live with Mrs. Alvarado’s 73-year-old grandmother, Edith.

The source speculates that due to his time away, Alvarado will not be able to get enough of the Ultimate Nachos or his wife for the forseeable future.

The source believes, however, that “it’s just a matter of time before Frankie’s appetite starts craving a little variety again.”

She estimates that “it’ll be no more than a month before he's face down in a T.G.I. Friday’s waitress who's holding a plate of fried mozzarella sticks, and things will have settled back down to normal around here.”