CAMP CASEY, South Korea — A young Army specialist stationed in Korea legitimately just wants to go sightseeing in Thailand, although some unsettling behavior by members of his unit in recent days has given him doubts, sources confirmed today.
"The first sergeant calls me into his office for what I thought was gonna be a safety lecture," said Spc. Lance Brender, "but then he fist bumps me and just says, 'aww yeah.'"
Although Brender thought that perhaps the first sergeant was just enthusiastic about cheap airfare and close proximity to Thailand, he later heard soldiers whispering behind his back in the motor pool, while others began nodding their heads and flashing ear-to-ear grins.
The alarm bells started to ring when Brender encountered an actual warrant officer for the very first time. According to Lance, he initially saw an officer approaching that looked like a "very overweight lieutenant" with a "fucked-up" rank patch on his chest. That's when he noticed the insignia was, in fact, three dots.
"It was like, holy shit! They're real! He even had our unit patch and everything!" said Lance. "But then he starts talking to me about basket tricks, bar fines, short-times, and soapy parlors. It was like he was fluent in some completely different language."
It wasn't until the officer started talking about "checking under the hood" and "ladyboys" that Lance had to finally interrupt and ask what the hell he was talking about.
"He almost looked sad that I wasn't tracking," said Brender. "That's when I heard somebody hootin' and hollerin' at me, so I turn around and it's the battalion commander himself walking by. He looks me straight in the eyes with a smile and pretends to tug on a train whistle."
Like any good soldier, Brender came to the position of attention and saluted, but when he turned around the warrant officer had vanished. The only evidence of their encounter was a little advertisement card left on the ground for some "Penthouse Hotel" in Pattaya.
"If I'd have known shit was gonna get this weird, I'd have just chilled in the barracks," said Brender. "But I already paid for this plane ticket and it's nonrefundable, so I guess I'll just see what happens when I get there."