FORT HOOD, Texas — Sgt. 1st Class Walter Weldon has been “really doing, like, the absolute bare minimum, now that he’s hit the 12-years-until-retirement mark,” according to other soldiers in the 79th EOD Battalion.

“It’s kind of maddening,” said his boss, Master Sgt. Landon Hart. “I mean, I’ve only got three years left myself, but I still find the gumption to motivate myself and come in every morning at the crack of nine.”

According to Hart, Weldon’s recent run of laziness includes never showing up for the Friday beer lunch, only shaving once a week instead of the required three times, and “failing to forward a particularly poignant Faye Reagan solo video, as battalion SOP normally requires.”