Soldier catches wife sleeping with woobie

FORT BRAGG, N.C.—Pvt. Joe Jonathans recently returned from his nine-month deployment to Kuwait only to find his wife neck-deep in bed, covered in Jonathans’ Woobie.

A soldier’s Woobie is the most sacred of all garments. More loyal than any dog, more reliable than the setting of the sun, and warmer than any Christmas sweater, the Woobie is an unshakable constant to most American servicemembers. Many solders are buried with their Woobies—some even name their children after the garment.

“I’ve never seen a Wobble get ripped,” says Doctor Nancy Earnest, a Ph.D. in military history and expert on Woobie anthropological studies. “I’ve never seen it given away. It’s easily the hardest object to find at military surplus stores.”

Earnest, author of Woobies at War: The weird history of soldiers' fascination with a damn blanket, says, “Woobies date back to the American Revolution, when they were called Rossies after Betsy Ross. Each Rossie was said to be hand sewn by Betsy, herself.”

“Of course, that’s ridiculous, but it’s a part of the lore. Some soldiers believe that every Woobie is still sewn by Betsy.”

Jonathans was initially reluctant to comment. “It was unspeakable. She was naked and in bed with the most constant thing I’ve ever known. I feel so betrayed,” Jonathans shakily recounted before bursting into tears.

“She said we’d be together forever and she totally betrayed me. I’ll never look at my Woobie the same way again.”