FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Specialist Gregory Beeman, an infantryman in the 82nd Airborne Division, entered the final 48 hours of his Army career this week, and also began to tentatively look at civilian employment opportunities, Duffel Blog has learned.

“I figure I might, I don’t know … ” said the married father of two, leaning back and making “psh psh psh” noises with his mouth. “Maybe try flipping houses? I watch that one show, ‘Flip Or Flop,’ where those two brothers buy old run-down houses and sell them for millions of dollars. I figure, I can do that. I’m pretty good at hammering nails. I get them in the board almost every time.”

Beeman related that he is also, at the behest of his wife, looking into a job in “high finance,” which has taken him to various check-cashing joints to ask for applications. He also briefly considered a career in law enforcement, but Amy, his wife, shot that option down because her cousin in a policeman in Biloxi and one time he heard some gunshots.

“I also thought I might coach hockey,” Beeman continued, perking up a bit in excitement. “That’s really my passion. I watch those ‘Mighty Ducks’ movies all the time. I can practically quote them. Amy really likes that idea and thinks I’d be good at it. She was first in her class in nursing school at Dickhole State before she dropped out to sell mail-order scented candles, so you know she is smart.”

Sources confirmed Beeman has lived in the South his whole life and has never worn ice skates, much less played hockey.

At press time, Beeman was searching for the $11,000 satellite phone he had signed for, hoping that it will turn up before he has to final out.

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