Soldiers authorized to use slit trench 'with which they identify'

FORT BENNING, Ga.— Soldiers across the United States Army are now authorized to defecate into slit trenches with which they identify, according to Army leaders.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley announced the sweeping regulation will be effective immediately. It requires all patrol bases to have at least two identical slit trenches, and authorizes Soldiers to “feel free to choose” which of the 2-feet deep, 1-foot wide, and 4-feet long field latrines they are most comfortable using.

“Apparently some people are up in arms over which hole in the ground we get to piss in,” Said Staff Sgt. Derek Hunter. “Which is weird, because the people that are the loudest about it aren’t the ones out here taking a shit into a hole.”

The issue allowing soldiers the ability to choose their slit trench arose after activist group “Code Pink-eye” rallied fiercely in favor of slit trench identity non-conformity. The group, who have no active duty members or veterans of any type among them, formed to take action against “the crushing cis-norming patriarchy of military latrine practices,” and to enable “genderfluid self expression on dooty (sic).”

After collecting over 100 signatures within the Berkeley, Calif. area, Acting Secretary of the Army Pat Murphy immediately approved the measure through an Army-wide directive.

“Protecting our Soldier’s ability to feel safe and protected should be every leader’s concern,” the memorandum reads. “That is why, effective immediately, Soldiers across the Army will no longer have to endure the anxiety and social pressure of using just one slit trench. Now, after the medic digs a second one, Soldiers can comfortably relieve themselves in the hole they find most agreeable.”

It was not clear if the measure had any support, resistance, or even notice, from soldiers.

“Is this seriously an issue?” asked Spc. Jason Johnson. “I can’t even concentrate on my equal opportunity, SHARP, sexual assault, sexual harassment, gender relations, race relations, ageism, or gluten intolerance training with all these bathroom issues.”