FORT JACKSON, S.C. — The Army forcibly removed soldiers from three barracks clusters last night to preserve a recently discovered species of toxic black mold, sources confirmed today.

“We can confirm that a high-value mold species was positively identified last night,” said Army spokesperson August Corda. “[Non-commissioned officers] were conducting the first barracks check since South Carolina rejoined the Union and noticed a creeping colony spanning one and a half blocks.”

Garrison leadership sprung into quick action to maintain safety. Basic trainees were escorted into a school bus driven by an unlicensed sergeant on his twenty-third hour of staff duty to an empty barracks on the base.

“We were conscious about COVID-19 protocols as well,” Corda said. “The backup barracks has been condemned since 1918, so it was easy to spread out and maintain six-foot spacing of the recruits.”

Army officials are well-versed in environmental safety issues. Just as it does for the sage grouse, the Army i…