Soldiers thrilled by new DoD sperm storage program that allows masturbation on duty
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced last week a new retention initiative, offering to store eggs and sperm for the service members whose reproductive organs the Pentagon has spent years of irradiating. Officials are hoping that this incentive will help retain service-members of child-bearing age, sources said.
“We have done unspeakable harm to our service members’ genitals,” Surgeon General of the Army Nadja West confirmed. “It’s much better going forward to save their eggs and sperm before that damage is done.”
Civilian doctors agree that after years of exposure to carcinogens from burn pits and radiation from satellites and counter-IED technology, service members are likely to produce “something like an Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings.”
“Military families are already under enough stress,” Secretary of Defense Ash Carter added, “so we’re taking some of that pressure off by throwing cryogenics and long-term family planning into the mix.”
Officials added that they were still…
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Duffel Blog to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.