THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced last week a new retention initiative, offering to store eggs and sperm for the service members whose reproductive organs the Pentagon has spent years of irradiating. Officials are hoping that this incentive will help retain service-members of child-bearing age, sources said.

“We have done unspeakable harm to our service members’ genitals,” Surgeon General of the Army Nadja West confirmed. “It’s much better going forward to save their eggs and sperm before that damage is done.”

Civilian doctors agree that after years of exposure to carcinogens from burn pits and radiation from satellites and counter-IED technology, service members are likely to produce “something like an Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings.”