Soldier Leaves 100% Of SGLI To Poncho Liner

WATERTOWN, N.Y. — Friends and family of an NCO killed in a tragic motocross-deep sea fishing accident last year were shocked to learn that they would not be getting any Servicemembers Group Life Insurance (SGLI) benefits, according to sources. Instead, 100 percent of the payout will go to the late service member's poncho liner.

Cpl. Bryce Conrad, a member of the 2nd Brigade, 10th Mountain Division, reportedly removed all of his family and friends from his SGLI shortly before the fateful trip, replacing them with his beloved "woobie."

"I don't understand what the problem is, honestly. It was probably the most responsible decision he made in his short career," said Conrad's platoon sergeant, Sgt. 1st Class Pete Grandby. "But with the things that poncho liner has been through, I don't think $400,000 is enough."

"The things it must have seen," he added, staring off into the distance. "The things it must have seen."

Leaders baffled as to how this change in benefits could have gone unnoticed have begun to put the pieces together via a 15-6 investigation. According to the official findings, Conrad used the skills he learned during the brigade's predeployment screening process to log onto FinancialPoint Plus, an online will service provided by the Department of Veterans Affairs.

"Even his secondary beneficiaries were his poncho liner," said investigating officer Lt. Col. Monica Foley. "Look," said a perplexed Foley, pointing to Conrad's SGLV 8286 in his tattered Military Personnel Record Jacket (MPRJ). "Right here: 33%, 33%, and 34% go to 'Pon,' 'Cho,' and 'Liner.' He genuinely loved that thing in a tender yet completely disturbing way."

The VA has not issued an official statement on the issue, but the service is reportedly down due to an large influx of requests. In fact, JAG leaders and their staff are currently engaged with thousands of requests to update SGLIs since the case has gone public, sorting through an onslaught of service members adding inanimate objects to their SGLI.

"While it is convenient, there is absolutely no oversight on this service," said VA spokesperson Jennifer McClanahan. "I have already seen multiple junior enlisted policies claiming Cara Delevingne as their wives and a even greater number have left a portion — if not all — of their SGLI to the monster truck 'Maximum Destruction.'"

Adding to the controversy, Conrad's squad leader, Staff Sgt. Hines Froman, claimed he already filed for a common law marriage to the poncho liner prior to his Conrad's death. The poncho liner itself is currently unavailable for comment, but was last seen disheveled and unresponsive in a pool of vomit on a barracks room floor.