Soldiers vote for WiFi Hotspot enabled rifles

ABERDEEN PROVING GROUND, Maryland — Soldiers nationwide have spoken: The number one piece of equipment the military needs to survive in combat is rifles that also serve as Wifi Hotspots. Despite the fact that WiFi enabled devices were not on the list of necessary survival equipment, soldiers everywhere relayed their ideas to the highest echelons possible noting that the US can’t fight wars without access to Facebook and Twitter.

The Army conducted a "Soldier First" survey from mid-March to late June, asking soldiers a number of questions about tools needed to remain an "Army strong soldier of one warrior." Results ranked soldier warfighting priorities, in order, as: Wifi, Gym, a good dining facility, MWR, and actual warfighting gear.

Several GIs were quick to point out how much faster they would be able to update their statuses on social media if they had the right piece of equipment.

Spc. Luke Jackson said, “When you’re out there on a dismounted patrol, it’s not a matter of if, but when. When will I be able to update all my friends and family about how cool I look in uniform?”

Another soldier noted that Navy SEALs would be able to live stream all of their Top Secret missions without having to waste their time writing any more books.

Asked about the potential distractions and hazardous situations that would be created by this type of device, squad leader Sgt. Douglas Klastic said, “Look, I came into the Army back when it was hard. We didn’t have the luxury of 4G. We were still in the 3G generation and times were tough.”

Klastic continued: “Soldiers these days aren’t the same as when I came in. They need their digital friends to help them make it through the day, and if they can’t have that comfort with them in field, then it’ll be me having to ‘friend’ them on social media and liking their stupid status updates with pictures of them posing like they’re in Vietnam.”

Natick Soldier Center has not yet approved the WiFi Hotspot enabled rifle design, but soldiers are already calling it the “M-4G.”