South Sudan: U.S. Military To Respond With Overwhelming Concern

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN — The Pentagon has declared that the U.S. will respond with immediate overwhelming concern after four U.S. soldiers were wounded during a rescue mission in South Sudan.

A representative from Africa Command (AFRICOM) has already issued a formal apology to South Sudan and offered to pay medical compensation for any soldiers who received blisters on their trigger fingers.

He then added that the United States was deeply sorry for flying its planes into their gunfire.

The soldiers were wounded after their CV-22 Ospreys came under fire by bushmen with AK-47 rifles and some well-thrown spears while trying to evacuate Americans from the town of Bor.

The aircraft were diverted to Entebbe, Uganda where the aircrew were forced to give up their lunch money and the wounded evacuated for medical treatment. Relieved officials have reported that the Ospreys are in stable condition at this time.

At the Pentagon, top military officials have been "reviewing options," during commercial breaks of a Charlie Brown Christmas and in-between barrels of hot buttered rum.

President Obama, on vacation in Hawaii, issued the following demand towards the South Sudanese rebels:

"Any effort to seize power through the use of military force will result in the same immediate and decisive action by the United States we saw in Syria and Afghanistan," the President said.

He added that he had already appointed a panel made up of top administrative officials to issue him a series of recommendations on how the United States will rattle its empty scabbards somewhere besides the Middle East.

At the United Nations, U.S. Ambassador Samantha Power called on South Sudanese rebels to stop being so mean, and said that the United States would be immediately sending a special envoy to the region to make sure no one's feelings were hurt.

In the meantime over three dozen American citizens remain stranded in South Sudan with their thumbs firmly in their asses this holiday season.

The State Department has issued an emergency message calling for U.S. citizens to avoid the area around the airport in Bor.

"Yeah, it's slightly hostile with a chance of small arms fire," said one stranded American hiding under a desk. "Thanks for the newsflash."

Sources at the barracks report Lance Corporal Wilson as saying, "Why don't we just drop in and entire Marine Expeditionary Unit, take over the airport, land as many aircraft as we please, and leave a giant crater behind us when we leave?"

He was immediately ordered to shut his pie hole and get his fricken hands out of his pockets, according to witnesses at the scene.