WILD HORSE, Colo. – Eyes rolling with the centripetal force of a parabolic orbit, sources derided a newly minted space cadet’s efforts to impress the local populace today, unanimously cataloguing the Space Force’s freshest specimen as a “total fucking boot.”
“Fuck, could he possibly try harder?” asked Tech Sgt. Emily Waller. “This douche is trying to pick up girls in his exoskeleton like it’s a pair of gray sweatpants.”
Waller gestured towards the Mk IV Expeditionary Powered Armor, Rugged, housing one intrepid, young man by the name of Space Cadet First Class Toby Danville.
On cue, Danville, 17, approached a trio of young women.
“I’m doing my part!” he excitedly announced, prompting their immediate dispersal.
“Would you like to know more?” he obliviously called after them.
Unfazed, Danville proceeded to haggle with a food truck vendor for a free meal. The interstellar warrior made a special point to highlight the many non-regulation bumper stickers affixed to his armor, particularly one on his right breastplate reading, “I Served.”
“Christ, he’s got fucking Truck Nutz hanging from his utility belt,” groaned Capt. Penny Davies, dragging her hand down her face.
According to sources, the newest military branch’s newest accession graduated basic training last week with hopes of joining the elite Spacial Forces.
“He hasn’t taken off that armor since,” said Davies. “These people do realize this asshole has been walking around with his own shit and piss, right?”
Indeed, the Mark IV exoskeleton provides the wearer with two embedded waste tanks for combat relief, but contract overruns and development delays resulted in its fielding absent a drainage hookup to evacuate excrement into the soulless void of space.
“The only way for that shitbag to clean his shitbag is to take off the goddamn armor,” explained Waller.
“Forgive the pun, but this boot is so full of shit,” concurred Davies.
At press time, it was reported Danville had allegedly failed at talking his way out of a speeding ticket after being unable to reach his wallet.