Space Force anthem ensures aliens will never contact Earth

They hate the song like everyone else.


By Cobra Commander

NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. — When the United States Space Force introduced its official song this week, extraterrestrial life forms throughout the galaxy were listening in and their reaction to the song was universal hatred, sources confirmed today.

“Are they trying to put us to sleep? Is that what this is, some kind of somnambulant ray?” asked Krangu, Lord-Protectorate of the 5th moon of Klaxon. “If this is what they call music, I won’t even bother conquering their planet. They already live in hell.”

The decision to broadcast the song into space is now being questioned by officials as many alien species weigh in on its shortcomings.

“I thought that song sucked and my species doesn’t even have ears!” said Gelmac-519, a member of a migratory society that no longer primarily resides on a planet since the Peacekeeper Wars.

Notably, the song had a tepid reaction from Space Force members as well.

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“Are we… are we married to that song?” asked Spc. Paula Rodriguez, who joined the Space Force when it formed in 2019. “Couldn’t we have gotten Lin-Manuel Miranda to do one?” Miranda could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

The song was unveiled at the 2022 Air & Space Forces Association Air, Space, & Cyber Conference on Tuesday, a conference whose name is somehow larger than space itself.

“Don’t drag us into this. We didn’t have anything to do with that song. And don’t use my real name for this article,” said Air Force spokesman Jibby Jibbowitz.

Even earth-born presidents have offered their opinions on the new anthem.

“Hey, don’t look at me. I wanted them to go with David Bowie’s Life on Mars,” said President Joe Biden.

“Say, jack, what’s Bowie up to these days? Maybe he could give that song a tune-up?” asked Biden, blissfully unaware of the singer’s passing in 2016.

There is, however, a ray of hope for the new official song of the Space Force.

“There are conceivably species of aliens whose homeworlds are so far away that the radio waves bearing the auditory signal of the song will never reach them,” offered Penn State astronomy professor Kim Anderson.

A ray of hope indeed.

Cobra Commander’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.