WASHINGTON — Volunteers for the U.S. Space Force (USSF) have been overwhelmed with a hyperactive desire to know exactly what will happen when they finally get the chance to enthusiastically rub one out in space, sources confirmed.
The volunteers, drawn from all service branches to the space force mission, are excited at the prospect of being a part of something bigger—much bigger—than themselves. They are also feverishly wondering what it will be like to finally spank the monkey while weightless.
“Will I need to Velcro my feet to the floor of the space station while jerkin my gherkin, you know—to keep my bearings,” asked Navy Lt. Pete Chamberlain, an early applicant to the program. “Or, can I float around freely, hunched over while just straight-up going to town on myself? I can’t wait to find out.”
Another space force applicant offered his own questions.
“Today, we are learning about conducting rescue operations and enforcing space law,” said Air Force Maj. William “Ropes” McGee. “But, if I blast a huge load, will it thrust me backwards or would it just cross the room, hit the wall and throw the craft off course by a few millimeters? This is very exciting, cutting edge stuff.”
While one of the major missions of the space force will likely involve cleaning up dead satellites and destroying other space trash, volunteers are unable to stop the intrusive thoughts regarding the moment of their own personal climax.
“Space has no oxygen; with no helmet it would be like choking. That’s asphyxia as God intended,” said Army Lt. Frank Rizzo, while he drew a 5th phallus in his notebook during a class on orbital physics. “I could remove my helmet, choke a little, then fire off a round that will travel for centuries until it hits something - or someone,” he said with a smile. “Like, could I aim my pecker towards Jupiter and launch a wad towards its big storm? Or, maybe my seed would just freeze and the momentum would allow it to crash into some distant planet somewhere, possibly populating it?”
Some of the other space force applicants wondered about the effects of punching the clown while space-walking outside of any vehicle.
“Since space is a vacuum, maybe it will, you know, just suck it all out so I won’t have to do any of the work,” stated Vance Smith, PhD, a civilian with NASA who can’t contain his excitement. “I mean, could you even control where it goes? Would the jizz bounce off a Kleenex and wildly spiral away? Or, would my wad just becomes a gas and evaporate under all those weird conditions?”
Not everyone in the program has been as enthusiastic, however.
"I look myself in the mirror every morning and hope I lead these volunteers by upholding standards and discipline, and that I am training them to the best of my ability,” said Army Col. Dave Sanders, Space Force Training Director. “But they don’t even pay attention. All they do is sit around BS’ing about slapping their salami, space-style. This program is going limp already.”
Although the space force applicants had differing opinions on how their batches of baby batter would respond to the conditions in space, they all agreed on one thing: As soon as humanly possible, they were all going to participate in ‘load launch’ contests to see whose spunk would be the first to hit the other end of the cargo bay.
Noticeably absent from the space force applicant pool are women, who have opted to avoid being in a small, cramped space with a bunch of dudes who are singularly focused on busting nuts, shooting wads, and spraying other galaxies.
Rockorsomething also contributed to this report.