The following is an article by Thuszoldydides, from the September 480 BCE issue of the Duffel Blog’s ancient Greek predecessor, The Satchel Wax.
SPARTA – Lance Hoplite FlavorFlavius has been ordered to wear a giant stone and bronze sundial to every gathering for a fortnight after missing first phalanx this morning, sources confirmed.
“This isn’t the first time Flavius has showed up late,” said his phalanx leader, Butterbaritus. “He’s always stumbling in with glossy eyes, wine on his breath, and some lame excuse like his alarm Helot didn’t wake him up.”
“Last month, he missed the Battle of Thermopylae because he said his chariot wouldn’t start. I’m not even sure what that means.”
Fellow Spartans in Flavius’ phalanx complain tardiness is not the extent of his misbehavior.
“That guy is a dirt satchel,” said Rangercules. “He’s always bumming things like sword polish and wine, he never has his shield, and when the phalanx sergeant gives us a detail, he just disappears.”
“Last week I had to pull guard duty on the Ephors by myself, and they get – handsy.”
Flavius’ phalanx sergeant, Copenhagenseus, told The Satchel Wax that he thinks carrying the sundial for a fortnight will help Flavius understand the importance of being on time. Further, he believes the extra weight of the sundial, about 1 talanton [roughly 330 lbs] will help Flavius get off the “fat Spartan” program.
“If this doesn’t work, the next step is to push the commander to give him 45 and 45,” said Illiteraticles, the Phalanx first sergeant. “That’s 45 days restriction, and 45 days without sodomy.”
As of stylus time, Flavius was missing after Spartan leadership found a sizable amount of hemp in his barracks room.