Spartan who missed phalanx forced to wear giant sundial for fortnight
The following is an article by Thuszoldydides, from the September 480 BCE issue of the Duffel Blog’s ancient Greek predecessor, The Satchel Wax.
SPARTA – Lance Hoplite FlavorFlavius has been ordered to wear a giant stone and bronze sundial to every gathering for a fortnight after missing first phalanx this morning, sources confirmed.
“This isn’t the first time Flavius has showed up late,” said his phalanx leader, Butterbaritus. “He’s always stumbling in with glossy eyes, wine on his breath, and some lame excuse like his alarm Helot didn’t wake him up.”
“Last month, he missed the Battle of Thermopylae because he said his chariot wouldn’t start. I’m not even sure what that means.”
Fellow Spartans in Flavius’ phalanx complain tardiness is not the extent of his misbehavior.
“That guy is a dirt satchel,” said Rangercules. “He’s always bumming things like sword polish and wine, he never has his shield, and when the phalanx sergeant gives us a detail, he just disappears.”
“Last week I had to pull …
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