Specialist Spending Deployment Bonus On Massive Van Mural

FORT DRUM — Spc. Doug Rewel is having trouble deciding between several different options for the side panel murals on his 1983 GMC Vandura, sources told Duffel Blog.

Rewell, a lanyard-puller or “gun bunny” with 3-310th Field Artillery, is a single E-4 with three deployments to his name. His van is in dire need of side panel adornment, friends say.

But Rewel cannot decide which mural he wants. His choices, admittedly, have been narrowed in recent weeks from as many as 12 to the current three options.

“So I told Tony [Murkowski, of Tony’s Body Paint Emporium And Jerky Hut in Syracuse] that I’ve narrowed it to these three choices,” said Rewel, pointing to the sketch book he’s kept for this specific purpose. “And Tony said no sweat, just tell him which one I’ve chosen and he will fire up the digital spray painters.”

The first option is an imagining of Rewel in a karate gi, scissor-kicking Osama bin Laden, while in the background a barracuda eats Saddam Hussein. It also shows various close buddies of Rewel killing Khalid Sheik Mohammad with a trident, squatting naked over a prostrate Moqtada al Sadr, or sodomizing Hans Blix.

Second is a Scarface-inspired series of silhouettes, depicting a mafia lord mercilessly machine-gunning do-gooding federal agents, throat-slitting hapless local beat cops, and sodomizing fellow inmates in the penitentiary to which Rewel runs a significant risk of being assigned after his ETS.

Additional adornments to Option Two are text decals which will read “ROLLIN OVA U HATERS” and “HATERS MOTIVATE ME.” Sources in Rewel’s chain of command confirmed that, no, nobody gives enough of a shit about Rewel to hate him.

The third option is a stylized depiction of a wizard on top of a moonlit mountain, threatened by a fierce, rapidly-advancing thunderstorm. A pack of wolves is attacking up the mountain, and the wizard is firing bolts of lightning from his fingertips at the aggressors. The text decal for this option reads “SEXUAL WIZARD” in Old English font.

At press time, Rewel remained undecided, but confirmed that he was leaning heavily toward the third option.

“That whole wolves and lightning and 'sexual wizard' theme will totally make the bitches’ panties fly right off,” said Rewel.