Spelling error leads to mandatory vacations for all US troops

How dare they force vacations on us.

By Bad Lawyer

Due to a spelling error in a Defense Department memo released this week, all U.S. troops will face mandatory vacations by August 15, 2021. It is imperative that all service members schedule and take a “vacation in the coming weeks” in order to slow the spread of Covid-19, according to the memo signed by Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin.

“Yes, we realized it was a typo pretty quickly,” said Pentagon spokesman John F. Kirby. “But then we decided to roll with it because 2020 was pretty rough on everyone and who couldn’t use a break? I’m going to Disneyworld!”

Despite the popularity and relative safety of vacations over the years, the mandate was met with skepticism and open hostility from several military service members.

“How dare the government try and force a vacation on me. Do they even know what is in this supposed vacation?” complained Lance Cpl. Bud Jones, a machine gunner in Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. “I heard from my cousin’s roommate’s uncle that these vacations are all being tracked by that weirdo Bill Gates.”

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The Pentagon tried to quell concerns raised by troops with assurances that the vacations will not “make you magnetic, infertile, or turn you green and give you superhuman strength.” They also pointed to numerous studies which show vacations have been around a long time, are good for overall health, and are desperately sought after in most third-world countries.  

Still, at least 52% of the US military refuses to take a safe and effective vacation. This number is in stark contrast to the 98% of civilians polled who indicated they would take a free vacation to “just about anywhere”.

“We are concerned with the significant vacation hesitancy we are seeing amongst the military members,” said Gen. Mark A. Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Hopefully this mandate will force people to stop being little bitches. Uh, I mean assure folks that the vacation is in their best interest.”

Indeed, some vacation-hesitant personnel appeared open to changing their minds.

“I am going to let a few of the guys in my platoon vacation first and see how it goes,” said Army Staff Sgt. Chris Dunfries. “If it goes okay for them I will consider taking a vacation myself.”

“But man, it seems sort of scary to travel right now with the Delta variant raging, I’m not even vaccinated yet,” he added.

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