Stolen Valor Association approves stealing medical valor

NEW YORK CITY—The National Stolen Valor Association voted unanimously that in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, they would extend membership to individuals imitating doctors, nurses, EMTs and other healthcare professionals.

“During these unique and unprecedented times, we have to be willing to change how we do business,” said Sgt. General Rambo Sigourney Weaver. “You might need to move away from your go-to set of 32 ribbons and put your old prison scrubs on. You might not be able to sit in a mall with a beret on all day—you might have to move to a public park.”

“The important part is that we continue to infuriate people on the internet.”

James Dwight, a relatively new member of the Stolen Valor Association, was excited to meet the new challenge. “I have a white lab coat from a job at CVS I got fired from, and a Doc McStuffins stethoscope, so I’m almost ready.”

Dwight went on to say that he’d been practicing his stories from Princeton Medical School, but was finding it hard to find a doctor with an ego fragile enough to infuriate.

Several VetBros have spoken out against the announcement from the drivers’ seats of their Dodge Ram extended cabs. One captured the VetBro zeitgeist, when we ranted, “Veterans are the heroes—the ones who serve. I’m appalled by the lack of loyalty here.”

Weaver expected that the association could make the change within the next week, which enough time buy up gowns and face masks that actual healthcare professionals could be using.