NEW YORK CITY—The National Stolen Valor Association voted unanimously that in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, they would extend membership to individuals imitating doctors, nurses, EMTs and other healthcare professionals.

“During these unique and unprecedented times, we have to be willing to change how we do business,” said Sgt. General Rambo Sigourney Weaver. “You might need to move away from your go-to set of 32 ribbons and put your old prison scrubs on. You might not be able to sit in a mall with a beret on all day—you might have to move to a public park.”

“The important part is that we continue to infuriate people on the internet.”