By Bull Winkle

RZESZOW-JASIONKA, Poland — The U.S. is doubling down on defending NATO by deploying one of its newest force enhancements, a company of skilled exotic dancers.

The arrival of the Army’s first Expeditionary Exotic Dancer Company (EEDC) gives the U.S.  commitment to European security added flexibility and glitter.

Maj. Terry Wilson of Headquarters U.S. Army Europe said the deployment is evidence of bringing America’s best assets to NATO defense. “Exotic dancers are as much a part of the military as mandatory training,” Wilson said, “and more valuable in every way.”

Wilson said that lessons from recent conflicts show that separating soldiers from opportunities to spend money on local artists, marry, and almost certainly divorce lowers their attention spans and readiness.

“So if the troops can’t get to the drama, we’ll bring the drama to the troops,” he said.

Commander of the EEDC, Dancer First Class (DFC) Chrystal Carrington expanded, “the soldiers are miserable without us,” she said, “I mean, there were no strippers in Afghanistan, and look how that ended up.”

Resident Polish strippers wondered about the competition.

“We’ll take the help,” said dancer Lato “Summer” Bartosz through a translator, “even though we’ve been professionals with this kind of stuff since about 1812 when Napoleon’s troops tucked francs in our bodies.”

Carrington said that the EEDC will provide advice and assistance to local dancers. Helping them master common American stripper phrases such as “working my way through college,” “I feel a real connection,” and “joint bank accounts are easy,” is a basic task for the EEDC Dancer Linguist (MOS 09D) squad.

The EEDC also teaches local dancers advanced techniques like how to claim paternity under American regulations and manipulating a chain of command. As an example, Carrington said, “mere crying is a great method of working Polish Army sergeants. But U.S. [noncommissioned officers] and [commissioned] officers alike won’t respond to anything less than hysterical fits and threats of calling the battalion commander’s spouse.”

Carrington said it was “amateur hour” in 2021 when an American major was robbed and had his nipples bitten off at Club Obsession in Gdańsk. “With our advice, they could have rolled that major for some sweet immigration deals and then cleaned out his bank account before you could say ‘nice kielbasa,” she said.

Pvt. Clay Nelson of Third Brigade 82d Airborne Division supports the concept. “I already got a sports car through a loan that was crazy easy,” he said, “now even the Russians can’t keep me from finding the love of my life to show off in it.”

Sources say that Russia views the EEDC deployment as a provocation, and is sending their own “Spetz Danser Nevesta (Special Dancer Brides)” platoons to Belarus to balance the EEDC.

With their experience from dancing near large bases like Fort Bragg, Naval Station Mayport, and Camp Lejeune, the EEDC soldiers don’t bat a fake eyelash at rising regional tensions. Carrington said, “some damn Russky armored division can’t bring more shit than we’ve seen go down over a four-day weekend.”

Bull Winkle is also a professional phrenologist and available to make your family event a memorable one, unless he’s busy consulting with world leaders. Double-D G, Arleigh B contributed to this report.

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