THE PENTAGON — Firefights with enemy combatants are 96.3% more likely after hearing protection has been removed. according to a new Pentagon study.

The results came at the conclusion of a 5-year, $600 million study conducted by DARPA and the US Army.

“We’ve analyzed the timing of enemy attacks, combined with after action reports and thousands of interviews. The results are irrefutable,” said Pentagon spokesman Col. Steve Vrable.

Those results were unsurprising to many service members who had been in sustained combat operations and had reported similar anecdotes for years.

“I remember my first time in Iraq,” said Josh Copeland, a former Marine sergeant. “We’d go days without contact. Gunny was always bitching about keeping your earpro [ear protection] in, but after awhile it’s annoying not to be able to hear anything. Sure enough, I took those fuckers out and we were hit by a complex ambush minutes later.”

While many in the academic community debated the scientific methods of the study, cla…