HAZZARD COUNTY, GA — Gen. James “Hoss” Cartwright took to the Hazzard County courthouse steps to declare his innocence this morning amidst an ongoing Justice Dept. investigation into his alleged involvement in leaking classified information of a 2010 cyberattack on Iran's nuclear facilities.
“I can assure the good people of our fine county that I am in no way linked to any leaking, corruption, or illegal activities,” said Cartwright, accompanied by his aide Capt. Roscoe P. Coltrane and his basset hound Chesty.
“If there was any leaking here in Hazzard County, I would advise the government to look into them daggum Duke Boys. You know, the one going to Ecuador and that other one on trial right now, Edward Duke and Bradley Duke.”
When asked if he meant Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden, Cartwright produced a comically large record book and declared “No, I mean Bradley Manning DUKE and Edward Snowden DUKE! I have it right here that those two are in fact kin and if there is any leaking, we should be looking into them. Speaking of, didn’t I tell you to go to Russia and get that there Duke boy, Roscoe?”
