Suicide Bomber Not Participating In After-Action Review

KABUL, Afghanistan – A Taliban After-Action Review (AAR) being conducted following a failed car-bombing in the Kabul International Zone is not going well, since the suicide bomber involved in the attack refuses to take part, Duffel Blog has learned.

Sources confirmed that Taliban Commander Mustafa Kardowi is flummoxed by deficiencies that he wrote down while observing the unsuccessful attack and would very much like to work through them with the personnel involved.

“I made a Powerpoint and everything,” Kardowi told Duffel Blog, standing at the podium in a mostly empty room, with a few Taliban lieutenants shifting nervously behind the projector. “But this fucking guy isn’t participating.”

The AAR was so important to Kardowi that members of his staff made sure that as many pieces of suicide bomber Sharif Nassad as they could find would be in attendance. Included in the briefing were several charred pieces of clothing and three of Nassad’s front teeth, which were blasted free of his skull, through the front window of his Toyota Corolla like calcium phosphate handgun rounds and embedded in the awning of an adjacent business.

“Alright, I want three sustains and three improves,” Kardowi said to the room full of tiny pieces of blown-apart terrorist, careful to mention the sustains first. A piece of the dashboard, enameled reddish-brown with a superheated film of blood and skin sat in defiant silence.

“This isn’t for my benefit, you asshole,” Kardowi pounded once on his podium. An eyeball, which had detached from Nassad’s skull when everything holding it in place turned to liquid, rolled impassively off a table and plopped onto the ground. “DON’T YOU FUCKING ROLL YOUR EYE AT ME.” Kardowi screamed.

“I think it comes down to balls,” Kardowi continued. “And I would question whether you had any if I hadn’t seen coalition troops laughing at them before kicking dirt over them in mock internment.”

Kardowi’s consternation likely stems from the fact that the operation failed to result in even a single coalition casualty. Nassad had driven his vehicle — laden with 100kg of homemade explosive — into Kabul the previous day and bribed his way into the heavily populated International Zone filled with foreign soldiers and government workers. The bomber, who had never piloted anything larger than a bicycle prior to his mission, then drove his car into a shit ditch on the side of the road and, in an attempt to turn off his radio, detonated his payload.

“Look, non-participation is a real bugaboo of mine,” Kardowi said, trying to change tack. “So if you don’t mind, I’m just going to tell you the things I saw and how I think you can do better next time.” A good-sized chunk of pelvis with most of Nassad’s digestive tract caramelized into the cavity like a gooey piñata did not register any objection.

Commander Kardowi then proceeded to lecture the various nearly-unrecognizable chunks of carrion arrayed across the room on the philosophical underpinning of asymmetrical warfare in an urban setting. “Alright, thank you,” He said in closing. “I actually got about as much out of this as any other AAR. Have a good day, and keep up the good work.”