Syria sends advisors to aid US rebels

WASHINGTON — As the United States works through its immense internal challenges with human rights, equality, and government use of force, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seeks to help the US in the same way the US helped during the recent Syrian civil war.

“We’re sending advisors from our elite special operations units to, you know, help foster peace,” Assad told reporters while hiding a smirk. “I can’t tell you how valuable it was to have a foreign influence stoking the fires during a period of violent unrest. The least we can do is return the favor.”

Assad’s aides exchanged high fives in a symbol of solidarity.

Syrian peacekeeping support for rebels in the US includes combat training and air cover, necessary features of any peace effort and not an attempt to foster chaos or regime change for their own interests.

Assad emphasizes that the American and Syrian civil conflicts have their differences.

“Sometimes you have a country that values the status quo over freedom and individual human life, and when people finally speak up for change, they’re met with unreasonable force, so both sides feel required to escalate,” Assad noted.

“And sometimes you have a shitshow like America, it can go either way, really.”