Taliban and ISIS announce opening of Joint Terrorism Center of Excellence

LASHKARGA, Afghanistan — Representatives of the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, and ISIS gathered today in the capital of the Helmand Province of Afghanistan to celebrate breaking ground on the long-awaited Joint Terrorism Center of Excellence. The JTCE is intended to bring together the best minds of international terror organizations in an effort to streamline operations and standardize tactics.

“There is so much great work being done by our brothers and sisters around the globe,” said Taliban leader Mullah Osmani Farunq. “It was time to bring all this wonderful terror under one umbrella of excellence. We are all operating in a joint environment now, so it only made sense to share knowledge and resources.”

Farunq, an Afghan fighter since the 1980s, will serve as the commandant of the JTCE. Farunq gained notoriety among Taliban leaders several years ago when he published a widely read set of leadership tips for his subordinate commanders. Christened “Farunq’s Rules,” the ever-growing list provided Taliban leaders and fighters with command guidance, often written in a folksy and lighthearted tone. "Insh'allah is a course of action!" is perhaps his most popular rule.

Other attendees included members of al-Shabaab, Boko Haram, and the Proud Boys. A contingent of pensioners from the Irish Republican Army had to cancel at the last minute due to an unexpected sunscreen shortage.

“This is going to be so amazing,” said Khalid Muhammad of Boko Haram. “We will finally get a chance to share our TTPs—techniques, tactics, and predation—with our coalition partners and learn from what they are doing, both good and bad. Today is a great day for terror!”

Construction on the first wing of the JTCE was scheduled to begin this fall, but complications due to COVID-19 have pushed the planned start date back to early 2021. Satellite centers are anticipated in Mosul, Benghazi, and Portland.

Other initiatives planned by the coalition include next year’s roll out of the Center for Al-Qaeda Lessons Learned, or CALL, website.