DOHA, QATAR — The recently opened office of the Taliban has come under attack by American insurgents, sources confirmed Tuesday. The complex attack on the facility included a vehicle-borne IED from a Ford F-150, gunmen armed with AR-15s, and Chili’s Baby Back Ribs lobbed from outside the compound’s perimeter.

“I never saw anything like it. Well, at least not from the receiving end,” said Abbud Abdul-Basit, a Taliban fighter who witnessed the attack. “They just charged the gate like they didn’t care! I mean, that was effective. I always wondered why it worked so well.”

“They were chanting ‘USA! USA!’ and ‘Git R Done’. I close my eyes and I can still hear them,” said Tariq Uthman, a guard from Khyber Pakhtunkhwa. “I can’t tell my wife, my friends back home. How can they understand such utter senselessness?”