DOHA, QATAR — The recently opened office of the Taliban has come under attack by American insurgents, sources confirmed Tuesday. The complex attack on the facility included a vehicle-borne IED from a Ford F-150, gunmen armed with AR-15s, and Chili’s Baby Back Ribs lobbed from outside the compound’s perimeter.
“I never saw anything like it. Well, at least not from the receiving end,” said Abbud Abdul-Basit, a Taliban fighter who witnessed the attack. “They just charged the gate like they didn’t care! I mean, that was effective. I always wondered why it worked so well.”
“They were chanting ‘USA! USA!’ and ‘Git R Done’. I close my eyes and I can still hear them,” said Tariq Uthman, a guard from Khyber Pakhtunkhwa. “I can’t tell my wife, my friends back home. How can they understand such utter senselessness?”
A Taliban spokesman said there was no reason to believe the attackers were citizens of Qatar.
"All evidence points to the attack being conducted by foreign fighters from America,” said Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid. “We have recovered literature from an American extremist organization, the NRA, from the truck. The deceased fighters were wearing Under Armor shirts and Oakley glasses. We also believe they may have received training at CrossFit camps in North Carolina.”
Jay Carney, a spokeman for the Americans, stated that the government of the United States had no connection to the attacks and did not condone violence in the struggle to bring the 21st century to the Middle East.
“We are a peace-loving people, but when the greatest tenets of western civilization are mocked, we cannot control what true believers of ‘Murica may do," Carney said. "They have died heroes and may their bodies be returned to small towns in the midwest and rural south with 72 Patriot Guards riding beside them.”
Reaction in the Taliban stronghold of Waziristan, Pakistan was swift and somber. “Who are these cowards who disguise themselves as civilians and blow up women and children just to oooohhhhhhhhh…..” said resident Abdul Rackman Muhammad. “Um, maybe I should rethink some things. Yeah, totally not as cool when it’s happening to you.”
The Taliban established their office in Qatar to enter negotiations with the United States and the government of Afghanistan. Mujahid insisted the recent attack has not derailed these delicate talks.
“This does nothing to change our goal of imposing Sharia Law throughout the region and reverting Afghanistan to the stone age. If the Americans think one attack will stop us and our tribal partners from banging goats and beating women, they are sadly mistaken.”