Taliban warns against travel to U.S. due to gun violence

KABUL, Afghanistan ⁠— The Taliban has issued an official warning against travel to the United States because an increased threat of gun violence. The announcement warned all Afghanis, “Do not travel to the United States. You may get shot there.”

The release comes in the shadow of a potential peace agreement between the U.S. and the Taliban. Tensions are high ahead of what finally appears to be an end in sight for America’s longest war. But with peace would comes the potential for travel bans to be lifted.

During a press conference about the warning, Suhail Shaheen, Taliban spokesman, opened up with many formalities about the weather, and spent a few minutes totally being stuck on the finale of Game of Thrones, before getting back on track and issuing edicts.

“All Afghans [traveling to the United States] should bring at least one towel, body armor, and rape whistles," he said, “because America is a really dangerous place. Also, don’t go to Chicago. At all. People die there every day.”

He continued, “We are also concerned with the number of milkshakes being thrown on ordinary U.S. citizens during random riots. We have no idea who the enemies in America are.”

“The rioters don’t have sophisticated weaponry, but mace burns, so if you chose to ignore our travel warning, please take swimming goggles.”