Pro-American Brand Launches 'Tapped Out' Patriotic Casket Line

Pro-American clothing company Hard 4 America LLC has launched a new line of patriotic caskets for active and former troops, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Based on overwhelming demand for more military, patriotic, and elitist-themed apparel for active and former service-members, we have decided to expand our product line to allow our customers the option to express their patriotic, right-wing stances even after they’ve been killed in action,” said Jason Jennings, the CEO and Founder of Hard 4 America.

“Although more than likely most of our customers will die due to high cholesterol or alcohol poisoning," he added.

At a fallen heroes fundraising event on Monday, Hard 4 America unveiled some of its initial designs. According to the company's press packet, the names and descriptions include:

“I Died for Your Freedom” — Chrome model, available in Black, Infantry Blue, or Blood Red

Straight and to the point. Let those civilian pogues know why they have the freedom to sit around and cry at some funeral all day because you died of a heat stroke when you forgot to drink water.

“Death Before Dishonor” — Available in Black, Coyote Brown, or Scorpion. Eagle, globe, and anchor available upon request

Show your loved ones that even though you died because you took your helmet off in the middle of a firefight, at least you did it with honor. And that’s what really matters.

“I SERVED” — Formal Model, available in Black or Service White.

Even though they’re at a military funeral, it’s always a good idea to remind mourners that they should thank you for your service.

“Rough Men Stand Ready” — Available in Black only.

Remind everyone that they’re able to be at that funeral because heroes like you keep the wolves at bay. Or did, until you fell out of the Black Hawk at 150 feet because you didn’t know how to properly use an aircraft harness system.

“21 Gunz, come and get them” — Available in Black, Blue, and Stars & Stripes.

Just because you passed away doesn’t mean the government can take the guns from your cold, dead hands.

Despite some initial controversy, thousands of soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines have already pre-ordered their own patriotic caskets. Jennings also said the company is looking to expand with more exotic models of caskets, including those with built-in kegs for your alcoholic friends, and a soundtrack of military and patriotic themed music to play for the duration of the funeral.

In addition to being terrible people, Dick Scuttlebutt and Drew Ferrol contributed reporting.