BEIJING – President Xi Jinping announced today that China is opening free web services to aid U.S. service members working at home due to novel Coronavirus restrictions.

Xi said, “China offers these services in the spirit of military cooperation, in keeping with our long tradition of respecting international human suffering, and not in any way as an admission of fault for creating the virus. Nope. Nuhuh.”

China’s government highlighted the following services with explanations:

1. People’s Liberation Army Knowledge On Line (PLAKO)

In addition to fast connections, users can learn about People’s Liberation Army (PLA) careers, connect with PLA friends, and access training for totally nonaggressive skills like building military facilities on remote islands or driving tanks through civil demonstrations. PLAKO encourages all military users to post deployment pictures with geolocation. This site also connects the PLA Navy with anyone who has skills with aircraft carrier design, maintenance, or deck landings. Like, any skills at all.

2. SurfPanda

With a giant server nestled in the Ministry of Public Security, SurfPanda offers excellent speeds, availability, and convenient fields to list political beliefs. SurfPanda protects military users by blocking content deemed as unsuitable by a panel of open-minded censors. Get lightning fast connections to any website around the world that is not critical of China.

3. Uncle Xi’s House

This site uses powerful servers to present information on Chinese Communist Party membership benefits such as social networking, exclusive access to Beijing’s hottest clubs, and training in suppressing political dissent. Users get access to the popular “Commie Mingle” dating site and can win free Huawei phones for hot Party talk.

4. 23 Million and Me

China has millions of American DNA profiles but that’s not nearly enough. Service members can submit their DNA to learn about their ancestry and if they’re in an ethnic group that needs government control, like Uighurs. To ensure safety from the People’s Armed Police, this site uses the most up-to-date firewalls produced by the People’s Armed Police.

Xi also announced that, in a complete coincidence, the entire population of Wuhan has voluntarily relocated. Wuhan has also been renamed “Qīng Bái,” the Mandarin term for “innocence.”