Teleworking warrant officer unsure where to disappear to

FORT HOOD, Texas – In what friends and family are calling an existential crisis, Chief Warrant Officer 3 Chris Vance has been unsure where to disappear to since being ordered to work from home in response to COVID19.

Vance, a Blackhawk helicopter pilot and Unit Safety Officer, typically spends his workday vanishing from either the hangar, the flight line, or his unit’s offices and spending time at home. With home as his designated place of duty, he now finds himself at a loss for where to go next.

“I told my wife I had to go to dental but then the base announced that all non-hospital facilities are closed” said Vance. “And with the restaurants closed too, I couldn’t even go out to lunch so now I need to find a way to fill those three hours.”

On Friday, Vance’s unit attempted to reach him at home, where both of his children reported that they had, “just seen him a second ago,” and that “his stuff is here so he must be around.” Vance’s wife believes he is currently splitting time between the post golf course and “heading to battalion” though there are no reports of him being seen at either place and he hasn’t been answering his phone.

Vance has actually spent the majority of his time since Thursday at his unit’s headquarters performing tasks ranging from complaining about the coffee, running up a tab on the fridge fund, and doing work. In the past 48 hours he has completed AT Level 1 training, the Defensive Drivers Course, and become ordained as a minister.

“It’s been a struggle feeling like I’ve got nowhere to go while not working from home,” said Vance who confirmed he intends to continue coming to the office. “I thought about hitting up this strip club in town offering ‘Corona-Free Handies’ but I don’t feel comfortable being in a place like that while not on TDY.”