THE PENTAGON — Terrorist groups around the world will no longer wait in suspense to learn if their regimes will be toppled for them by the United States, allowing their otherwise under-supplied and untrained forces to seize power almost effortlessly. According to the State Department, the United States is opening a "Power Vacuum Sweepstakes," in which terrorists can compete to have their country's government forcibly removed by uncoordinated airstrikes.
"War is expensive," State Department spokesman Adm. John Kirby said. "History has shown that the cheapest and most efficient way to cause a country to implode is to lob munitions from a distance. However, if the United States is going to continually hand entire populations over to indigenous terrorist groups by way of the massive power vacuum this strategy creates, it's time we start setting some standards."
The contest, which, according to Secretary of State John Kerry, is open to "all ethnicities and religious backgrounds in the spirit of equality," consists of a multi-tiered application process, in which terrorist groups explain why their particular backwards, corrupt government should be JDAMed into obscurity first.
Reactions to the contest were mixed. Some groups took to it almost immediately — an unnamed, masked individual believed to be from Boko Haram tweeted a picture of himself holding a gasoline canister.
