Thanks To These Shitty Budget Cuts, I Almost Never Get Blown Anymore
The following is an opinion piece written by a U.S. Navy Band Clarinet.
Is it me, or is this whole “sequestration” deal complete bullshit? Like, this is serious. Base facilities are being shuttered. Entire ship deployments and repairs are being cancelled. And now, due to a majority of the Navy Band’s gigs getting shit-canned, I haven’t been blown since our last concert two weeks ago.
You heard right: Two full weeks have passed since I’ve had a set of wet, tender lips clamped down around my reed and mouthpiece. Half a month has gone by since my keys have been fingered with the professional and sensual touch of a Filipina massage girl. Indeed, it’s been 14 desperate days since I’ve had wave after wave of sweet, moist oxygen pumping straight down my barrel, coursing through my first and second joints, and working every nook and cranny of my imported African hardwood until I erupt in a spasm of pure sexual ecstasy while skeeting-out some of the sweetest John Philip-fucking-Sousa you’ve ever…
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