Turkey Prime Minister Gobbler has announced his plans for unconditional surrender to Gen. Santa Clausewitz of the Christmas Empire after many decades of frigid winter combat in North America, sources confirm today.

First declared in 1959, the War on Christmas began as internal strife. However, after the experienced General Clausewitz eventually gained control of the Empire in a military coup, he used his momentum to rapidly begin encroaching on the borders of Thanksgiving in a power play that left the western world roiling.

Initially, Thanksgiving's Turkey Army held strong along with the aid of longtime allies Veteran's Day and Halloween, and most observers believed the so-named Autumn Allied Forces (AAF) would defend its territory with ease. This appeared to be the case for decades as the AAF firmly held Christmas behind the Black Friday DMZ.

However, Santa Clausewitz switched to a widespread war of attrition in the 1990s, using his charismatic leadership and the Empire's worldwide ideo…