FORT BENNING, GA - After three days of grueling events, one Soldier has finally been named "Best Sick Call Ranger of 2012", giving him the title of being the sickest and most injured malingerer in the U.S. Army.
This year had a record turnout with a total of forty Soldiers vying to demonstrate their dedication to duty in feigning sickness and injury to the utmost of their abilities. Not only do the winners earn the title of "Best Sick Call Ranger", they also become the recipients of the coveted gold plated Model 495 cane and are admitted to the Army's prestigious Warrior Transition Brigade (WTB) Delta - Detachment, home of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Special Welfare Center.
Due to the sensitive nature of the unit, it is rumored by many in the Sick Call Community that it is here that malingerers receive extensive medical care consisting of massages with happy endings, open bars, and topless French maids.
"Selection for Delta is tough. Those guys are the best of the best in the Sick Call community," said first-time competitor Private First Class Frank Mears. "You've got to have that special 'something' that sets you apart from the others. Delta Operators keep up the sham while surrounded by people who have actually been in combat and been wounded."
Mears went on to stress how elite the detachment was, saying that "Delta WTB comes to you, you don't go to them."
"There are guys at Womack Army Medical Center who have faked cancer, blindness, heart disease - you name it, they can fool the best M.D.'s the military has to offer. I hear they even have relaxed grooming and uniform standards, but no one really knows for sure."
The first day of the "Best Sick Call Ranger" competition had the most disqualifications which occurred during the administration of the Army Physical Fitness Test. Seventeen soldiers quickly unfolded profiles which allowed an immediate pass for the event. Two more barely managed to get by after claiming a rolled ankle, and potentially suffering a heart attack. The remaining competitors were failed after posting substandard APFT scores averaging no less than 275.
Day two comprised of the "Prove Your Illness" event, which was to demonstrate skills deemed necessary to get a legit profile.
"My secret weapon," stated Sergeant Ray Cyrus, "well, I hate to give away the good stuff, but this is just between us, right?," he said as he leaned in close enough to tell that he was winning his lifelong battle with his arch-enemies' soap and water.
"Syrup of Ipecac; that shit is wicked Broseph. One teaspoon of the 'Yack Attack' will have you puking your nuts out in front of God and everybody. Battalion Fun Run in full MOPP gear? Ne-gah-tive!", and with a conspiratorial wink and a Copenhagen-stained grin, SGT Cyrus upended the bottle containing the reddish brown liquid. "This should be a good show, you might want to stick around. I had scrambled eggs, spaghetti and chocolate milk about an hour ago. Showtime motherfucker!"
Candidate Private Johannsen, his face gray and hands shaking from the cordite he was chewing, went about using a crucial element. While antagonizing a chigger with a heated needle he confided, "Angry chigger bites-- once you get rid of the em', it looks like some funky rash."
The last day of the competition incorporated the "Hospital Land Navigation" event, which tested the mettle of each Soldiers ability to BS their 1SG into believing they were at a specific appointment within the Military Treatment Facility.
The winner of the event was Staff Sergeant Ben Baggins who also went on to become "Best Sick Call Ranger". He described his strategy, saying, "Yeah, I wasn't even here for the entire competition. Tends to happen after a night of heavy drinking. Best thing to do is just say you were admitted for having Swine Flu, and have your medic girlfriend sign off on a sick call slip."
Since winning the "Best Sick Call Ranger" competition, Staff Sergeant Baggins went on to Medical Retirement and now sits at home comfortably collecting disability while getting high on prescription pain killers he worked so hard to earn.
This article involved the collaborative efforts of John "WTF" Mittle and Duffel Blog Super Fans.