This Memorial Day, Eddie Gallagher reflects on those he totally didn’t murder

"It wasn't murdery murder."

By Bad Lawyer

SAN DIEGO — Memorial Day is a solemn day of reflection for many Americans, perhaps none more so than retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher. But instead of drinking beer and barbecuing with friends, Gallagher will spend the day solemnly reflecting on those he “totally did not murder” on a live-streamed episode of a new “true war crimes” podcast, sources confirmed today.

“So many Americans miss the point of Memorial Day, they think it's just another three-day weekend and an excuse to party,” Gallagher told the host while sharpening his hunting knife.  “I prefer to spend Memorial Day honoring the dead by perusing my ‘best of war crimes’ photo album and watching old drone footage of dead bodies.”

Gallagher, who was accused of murdering an ISIS fighter during a 2017 Iraq deployment by multiple members of his SEAL Team, was acquitted by a military tribunal after fellow SEAL Corey Scott confessed to the murder on the stand in a courtroom surprise rivaling every Perry Mason episode ever. 

“Ah, look at this one!” Gallagher cooed on the podcast, pointing to a photo of him cradling the dead fighter’s head. “He looks like he could be sleeping. Which was actually going to be my original defense at trial until my lawyers told me the jury wouldn’t buy it.”

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Gallagher has become a media darling since the trial, regularly appearing on Fox News and giving podcast interviews in which he confesses to the premeditated killing of an unarmed prisoner which is totally not murdering anyone, apparently.

“We killed that guy. Our intention was to kill him. Everybody was on board,” Gallagher said. “I mean, it wasn’t ‘murdery murder.’ He was going to die, regardless. We weren’t taking any prisoners.”

Gallagher went on to explain how people mark the Memorial Day holiday in different ways.

“Some years I do medical procedures on prisoners until they die and everyone is cool with it,” Gallagher said.

“Unless they aren't cool with it and turn me in for murder in which case they are not cool and are instead a deep state lib conspiracy out to get me,” Gallagher told the host.

Gallagher ended his quiet reflection with some sound career advice for the podcast listeners.

“All gave some, and some gave all,” Gallagher said before closing his album, “But this dead kid gave me a book deal and successful clothing line. And frankly, we sell a ton of t-shirts during our Memorial Day sale.” 

At press time, Gallagher said he was expanding his brand to include personalized hunting knives and offered a 20% discount to the podcast listeners using promo code HELLYEAHIDIDIT. 

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