When in the course of the division training schedule it becomes necessary to release the soldiery, sailory, and, er, Marinery on a 4-day weekend for this momentous July 4 holiday, marking the 243rd year of independence of these United States, it also becomes necessary for His Excellency, the Commander-in-Chief, to exhort you to practice the utmost safety, because many of you are about to face diverse dangers and vile temptations.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that you cannot hold your Fireball cinnamon whiskey as well as you consider, that your driving skills on the road are not as those you practice while playing “Grand Theft Auto,” and that although you are weapons “experts,” handling explosive fireworks after shot-gunning 40-ounce PBRs all day is never a good idea. These are only some of the many evils that await as you so nobly celebrate the blessings of liberty that my generation secured through pledging our own lives, fortunes, and sacred honor.