Report: Thousands of US troops trying to transfer to Canadian military

PENTAGON – The Pentagon is reporting a massive surge in the number of troops requesting transfers to the Canadian Armed Forces in the past week.

“We really can’t explain it,” said Pentagon spokesman Peter Cook, “but as of early this morning, we’re suddenly seeing a 5,000 percent spike in the number of troops requesting international interservice transfers. I have no idea why.”

After Duffel Blog filed a Freedom of Information Act request to access military personnel records, an administrative clerk at the Pentagon told reporters, “Fuck it, just take the files, we’re all gonna die in a massive nuclear strike from North Korea anyway."

According to the files, most of the troops requesting transfers were located at bases in California, Washington, Hawaii, Maryland and Virginia. Historic data reveals that the majority of interservice transfer requests come from service members stationed in North Dakota and Ohio.

Meanwhile, up in Canada, the CAF Recruiting Command met its goals for the first time ever.

“We’re just super happy up here to have so many Yanks interested in applying. I nearly dropped my toque when I saw the numbers!”

While Canadian citizenship is a requirement for both active and reserve military service, that did not seem to deter any US troops from putting in their applications.

“I’m going to find me a sweet piece of Canadian ‘arse’ and get married. See, I’m learning the lingo already!” said Lance Cpl. Steve Johnson, a Marine currently stationed at Camp Pendleton.

To deal with the influx of new recruits, CAF support battalions were putting together transition seminars for soon-to-be expatriated US service members that included such topics as anger management, appropriate professional language and metric system lessons.