'Til Valhalla' may not apply to Marine who died masturbating in porta-potty
It was a close call.
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The phrase ‘Til Valhalla’ may not apply to a young Marine who died last week while pleasuring himself in a porta-potty, according to a panel of barracks lawyers.
The Camp Lejeune public affairs office released a statement that Lance Cpl. Travis “Skeet” Dunmire, a three-time lance corporal assigned to the 2nd Reconnaissance Battalion, died during a live-fire exercise late last week. While the statement did not provide an official cause of death, sources say Dunmire died of autoerotic asphyxiation while masturbating in a portable restroom on the range.
“Skeet had a massive boner after he went cyclic on the .50 cal. He said he was going to the head to ‘rough up the commandant,’” Lance Cpl. Javier Uribe told reporters. “Holy shit, man. Now that I think about it, those were probably his last words — except for some grunting and stuff.
“That shit is profound,” Uribe added.
Following news of Dunmire’s death, the young Marine’s social media accounts were flooded with thousands of posts using the phrase, “til Valhalla brother,” or some variant thereof. Though the phrase is commonly seen as a social media epitaph for recently deceased servicemembers, some argue that the timeworn phrase may not apply in Dunmire’s case. To settle the matter, a local panel of barracks lawyers convened to arbitrate the case.
“Look, the rules for getting into Valhalla are pretty clear,” Lance Cpl. Jon Ross said in his opening statement. “The warrior must die in battle to even be eligible. Some dumb grunt wrapping his Mustang around a tree, choking to death on a Tide pod, or trying to pull his dick off in a frozen port-a-potty does not constitute a warrior’s death.”
While many present agreed with Ross’ strict interpretation of Norse pagan lore, a few dissenters advocated for a wider interpretation.
“I ask the assembled group, ‘what even is combat anymore?’” Lance Cpl. Dan Coffee said to his colleagues. “Drone operators have killed more people than grunts in the past 20 years, so is a drone pilot yeeting a hellfire at some ISIS fighter considered battle? What then if he dies in the course of his duties — is he more of a warrior than Dunmire? Look, I’m not asking you to use ‘til Valhalla for every Space Force satellite jockey who dies of a heart attack when a woman makes eye contact with them — but surely we can make an exception for a recon Marine who died while training for battle.”
After several hours of deliberation, the panel decided the phrase ‘til Valhalla applies in Dunmire’s case.
“It was a combination of factors,” one barracks lawyer told reporters. “We couldn’t deny a real grunt the ability to use the phrase after all those cooks and MPs were able to use it.
“And while he may not have been in combat, Dunmire died with a can-do attitude, and with his weapon in hand.”
Whiskey Fueled Tirade: Army guy, small time strategy grifter, and command climate change denier. He’s a trailer park ex-pat living large in a house without wheels. Follow him on Twitter @FueledTirade