NEW YORK CITY SEWERS — The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hosted a seminar on thriving in toxic environments for members of the armed forces this week.
“Cowabungahooah, dudes!” Team leader Leonardo greeted the group. “I hear a lot of you say you can’t thrive in toxic environments. Well, I’m here to tell you all the secrets of the ooze. We are who we are because of the toxic environment. The best way to make the most of the sewer is teamwork.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles became famous for their small unit tactics, combatives matches, and ability to eat all the square slabs of chow hall pizza, no matter how crusty and gross they looks.
“Are you a superhero in spite of the toxic environment or are you a mutant superhero because of the toxic environment?” asked Michelangelo. “Understanding your own origin story is the first step to being a character-based leader.”
The professional development session focused on finding a good mentor, or sensei, even if you have to go outside your chain of command, or species. They also mentioned the importance of gender integration and having an occasional female sidekick, though one that’s never fully part of the team.
The professional development session was well attended, but confused several people in the audience.
“The block of instruction about coming out of your shell seemed too literal,” said Private Casey Jones. “I don’t even have a shell.”
The Ninja Turtles are expected to host another leadership session at Fort Drum as soon as an issue involving the base policy on nunchaku is resolved.