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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Saturday, 26 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Saturday

26 September 2026

0352 Zulu

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· Page 2

Tricare to extend benefits to that girl you hooked up with two years ago

Filed · 1533

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Tricare will extend benefits to that one girl named Kyle, Kelly, or maybe it was Carly from Tinder that you hooked up with two years ago, sources confirmed today.

According to recent surveys, the chief complaint about the military's health care system has been a "lack of care." Which is why officials believe that by allowing Carla, Kara, or whatever her name was to receive health coverage, Tricare will be greatly improved.

“There’s two ways to address ‘lack of care,’” said Jay Farmer, a Tricare spokesman. “You can either increase the quality, or increase the quantity. Since the former would require inquiries, studies, listening to patients and their needs, and a lot of budget increases — which we're not prepared to do — increasing quantity is much easier.”

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