Troops deployed to US southern border wondering if they can go home now
“We’ve been here waiting on that migrant caravan since the congressional election in 2018,” said Capt. Pat Thompson.
EL PASO, Texas — Soldiers currently deployed to the U.S. southern border have begun asking their congressional representatives if they’re allowed to redeploy home yet following a Pentagon announcement of troop reductions in Iraq and Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.
“We’ve been here waiting on that migrant caravan since the congressional election in 2018,” said Capt. Pat Thompson, a company commander. “I feel like if they were going to show up, they would’ve done it by now.”
“Do you see any caravan?” he asked, gesturing at the empty desert.
Skeptics have long believed the initial deployment of troops to the southern border was a political maneuver by President Donald Trump to drum up national security concerns ahead of a midterm election. But as years have passed, White House officials insist that the refusal to withdraw troops is evidence that wasting soldiers’ time and keeping them away from their families is a normal function of government no matter who is sitting in the Oval Office.
“You can’t claim this was done as political theater if everyone forgets they’re there,” said acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller. “These men and women are heroes and saying we’re wasting their time denigrates their service.”
“Especially since they don’t really have a reason to be there,” he added.
Despite the absence of a teeming horde of anchor-baby-wanting, communism-imposing, government-teat-sucking migrants, the soldiers currently deployed along the Mexican border have achieved significant success, at least as measured by Hesco barriers constructed and piss bottles filled. And several units deployed to the badlands of Arizona, inspired by the Nazca lines in Peru, combined forces to build a concertina wire design in the shape of a penis that is visible from space.
“The space dong was an important step to securing the area and keeping morale up,” said Thompson. “If that caravan does show up, the terrain will funnel them from the ball sack to the tip and allow Border Patrol to pick them up pretty easily.”
Congress has offered strong support for the troops as guardians of the nation’s freedom but has done essentially nothing to directly address sending them home. Analysts say this is likely because Congress is currently adjourned and won’t be working again until 2021, if ever.
Several soldiers tweeted directly at President Trump hoping for a response, but the president blocked them after learning the soldiers had voted by mail-in ballot.
Meanwhile, President-elect Joe Biden said that after his inauguration he would return troops to their home stations so they can gear up for deployment to a Middle Eastern country to be named later.
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Finally, here’s a look back to 2018:
Caravan of strippers stopped at Mexican border by soldiers with engagement rings
By Blondes Over Baghdad on Dec. 13, 2018
TIJUANA, Mexico — A massive caravan of illegal strippers heading to the U.S.-Mexico border was stopped at the border by a deployment of U.S. soldiers with engagement rings, sources confirmed today.
The strippers, most of whom were from South America, had joined the annual march to the U.S. border seeking asylum at one of the many strip clubs outside of 29 Palms, California. Most had been walking for months with little food, water, or shelter. The drastic conditions resulted in the perfect storm of losing a bit of weight, tightening up c-section scars, and weakened judgment, which made them the perfect target for a third marriage.
“We met them in a three to one ratio, so we knew that it was critical to engage them immediately,” said Col. Todd Richardson, commander of Task Force Lonely Patriot. “Then they started throwing rocks. By our rules of engagement, that meant we could throw rocks back at them — and by that, I mean cubic zirconia.”
“Tear gas? Oh, that’s not tear gas,” said Richardson. “They’re crying because they’re happy. This will be the best three to six months of their lives.”
At last estimate, 30 percent of the strippers who arrived today are pregnant with military dependents to be born in six months.
“It’s hell out there,” said Maj. Bobby Weatherly, an Army chaplain. “I’ve never been under so much strain to pull together so many marriages so quickly. We’re out-womaned out there. I had to call in close pair support.”
The troops have been stationed on the border since October to stop any illegal immigrants from entering the country. By the end of the month, 100 percent of the stripper caravan is expected to enter the country legally as military spouses and build their own businesses selling essential oils.
“This has been a glorious military exercise,” said Richardson. “From the second they started throwing those rocks, I told the boys the penguins threw rocks as a sign of affection and that they were weapons free with those rings.”
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