Pentagon offers new Xbox bundle over Blended Retirement System
WASHINGTON — Service members everywhere face an important decision this year regarding their future retirement. In a surprising announcement, a newly added option is gaining traction over the recently implemented Blended Retirement System (BRS), sources confirmed today.
The Troop Retirement Excepted Xbox Package, also known as the T-REX Pack, has become the leading choice for more than 90% of troops, and those numbers haven't shown any signs of slowing down, according to defense officials.
Those opting for the T-REX Pack will receive an Xbox One X console, four wireless controllers, two games of their choice, and one Rent-A-Center coupon granting a 5% discount on their first rent-to-own television payment. The retail value for a comparable gaming bundle totals nearly $900, or $40 cash if it were to be pawned in a pinch for some beer money.
"I've carefully weighed all the options," said Pfc. James Garriott, an Army petroleum supply specialist. "I definitely won't be in for a full twenty, and statistically, I'll probably commit suicide or end up in prison before I'm 60. Why not enjoy this benefit now?"
Central issue facilities at every military installation are responsible for distributing the Xbox bundles, with each branch of service having their own uniquely colored console. Many speculate these special edition designs could even raise the resale value among video game collectors.
Still, there are some who believe the new option is just another ploy for the DoD to save money at the expense of the men and women in uniform.
"Uncle Sam pays less than a thousand now, and gets to save tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars later," said 1st Lt. and self-appointed unit financial advisor Micah Smith, who has a Scottrade brokerage account and never shuts the fuck up about it.
He added, "It's a poor long-term investment, just like Tesla stock."
Despite being pressed for time, Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, responded to the allegations when asked to go on the record.
"These are big boys and girls who can be trusted to make their own decisions based on what's best for their individual needs," said Gen. Dunford as he reviewed the new Chew Before You Swallow military-wide safety campaign that's scheduled to become an annual training requirement later this year.
After making his official statement he asked reporters, "What was that lieutenant's name again?"
Regardless of the Pentagon's true motivations, CIF locations worldwide have already run out of Xbox bundles due to unexpectedly high demand. Installations have created a first-come, first-serve waitlist, so service members wishing to opt for the T-REX Pack are encouraged to confirm their selection as soon as possible.